Published: May 29, 2010
Category: Home 
When we last checked in on my marriage, I was --- in the nicest possible way --- about to rest my hand on my wife's ass.
But she was wearing Spanx .
And so my hand, as I’ve written, “bounced off her rump like a Superball. Had it not been attached firmly to my wrist, it would have sailed over tall buildings and landed in the river.”
The weather is warmer now, and the Spanx --- yes, they’re still mandatory --- are shorter. Pantyhose (in our house, that means Spanx with legs and toes) have been banished for the summer. A new product has entered the house: Sally Hansen Airbrush Leg Spray. 
For those who are not already applying a credible tan on their bare legs in the morning, let me sing the praises of this product. A woman sprays the stuff into her hands, rubs the liquid onto her legs and is rewarded with instant color. Broken veins and imperfections? Covered. Banished, really, for the whole day.
Does it really do the job?
Well, my wife comes from a long line of Finnish palefaces. In summer, she keeps out of the sun; when exposed, she never fails to apply killer French sunscreen. So it is quite a jawdropper to see tanned legs flashing as she books out the door in the morning. The color suggests vigorous weekend tennis --- not chemicals.
To quote Madame: "Legs look better in pantyhose. So it's not just that your legs look tanned. It's that your legs look finished."
Sally Hansen makes several shades:
And there’s a shimmer lotion  you can add at the end, to give legs a higher profile.
These lotions are water-resistant. They contain Vitamin K, which is said to help reduce spider veins and other imperfections while the lotion is working as a cover-up --- honk if you believe that.
There’s one negative: Every once in a while, it seems, the nozzles of the spray cans clog --- permanently. Return them. And remind yourself that even instant beauty can be a pain.