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Father’s Day 2017: Give Daddy the big piece of chicken!

By Jesse Kornbluth
Published: Jun 10, 2017
Category: Beyond Classification

I’m having a hard time focusing on Father’s Day. It’s not me. It’s him. The President. For better or worse, the Father-in-Chief. What would you give him? What he most needs, he doesn’t want and can’t accept.

The rest of us? We’re the back-up band for Mom. Chris Rock nailed it:

Everybody takes Daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio. Everything’s “Mama. Dear Mama. Always loved my Mama.” What’s the Daddy song? “Papa was a Rollin’ Stone.” Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody appreciates Daddy. Now, Mama’s got the roughest job…but at least people appreciate Mama. Every time Mama do something right, Mama gets a compliment… Nobody ever tells Daddy shit. Nobody says, “Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent… Hey, Daddy, I sure love this hot water… Hey, Daddy, this is easy to read with all this light.” Think about everything that the real daddy does: pay the bills, buy the food, put a roof over your head. Everything you could ever ask for. Make your world a better, safer place. And what does Daddy get for all his work? The big piece of chicken. That’s all Daddy gets… the big piece of chicken.

So…ok… here are some gifts that are correctly scaled: the big piece of chicken.


Anthelios Sunscreen
Because there’s no better protection against melanoma.

The Filson Briefcase
“Might as well have the best.”

Timex Easy Reader Watch
Because it’s $10,000 cheaper than a watch that looks and works no better.

Dimmable LED Desk Lamp
The TaoTronics LED Desk Lamp has a one-touch, 3-level dimmer and an I’m-leaving-the-room “escape timer” that turns the light off after an hour.

Zojirushi Stainless Steel Vacuum Insulated Mug
Hot stays hot. Cold stays cold.

Mental Clarity
Will it “improve capacity for attention and focus, improve the ability to withstand emotional stress, reduce nervousness and anxiety and improve immune system function?”

The Foreign Correspondent
The year is 1939. The head of the Resistance newspaper is assassinated.


Oldman’s Guide to Outsmarting Wine
Mark Oldman has a clear head, a cool eye, an experienced palate — and a nose for a bargain.


Last Night, by James Salter
Ten stories. 132 pages. White people with money and problems strain to make their lives matter

Young Man with a Horn, Dorothy Baker
In the 1920s, Bix was the Jimi Hendrix of the trumpet, a lonely kid who provided the soundtrack of the Jazz Age.


A Man and the The Blues,
Buddy Guy could be the greatest Chicago blues guitarist. This was his first solo recording.

Live in Europe
Voice raspy as a file, Otis Redding stood at center stage in a salmon-colored suit, shouting out his legendary songs to a crowd that had the good sense to worship him.

The Very Best of J.J. Cale
Eric Clapton made "After Midnight" and "Cocaine" into hits, but nobody plays J.J. Cale’s seductively laid-back songs better than their author.

Astral Weeks
Van Morrison made this breakthrough CD in 1968. It took just four days, cost less than $25,000, promptly went on best-ever lists.

Miles Davis: Ascenseur Pour L’Echafaud
Early work: the soundtrack to Louis Malle’s first movie. This gets ten extra points.

Paolo Conte
The voice is whiskey and cigarettes.


Levels of the Game
This account of a single match between Arthur Ashe and Clark Graebner in the semifinals at the U.S. Open in Forest Hills is the best book ever written about tennis.

Go Like Hell: Ford, Ferrari, and Their Battle for Speed and Glory at Le Mans
An American-built car had not won a major European race since 1921. Ford would have to build the most technologically advanced racing car in history.

Johnny U: The Life and Times of John Unitas:
The greatest football player of the first half of the twentieth century. He had a job to do, and it was his responsibility to get it done.


This short book is not about not Churchill the God, but Churchill the extremely interesting man.

Buck Brannaman specializes in the improbable: skittish, poorly trained horses. But this is not a movie and a book about horses.

The Tender Bar:
A boy needs a father. If he doesn’t have one, he needs some kind of man in his life. Or men, because it can indeed take a village.